I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
