how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i believe in u and ur pee
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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