were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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