Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
