I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
