What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
