I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
