So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
