I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
