you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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