I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize