every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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