I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize