Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
its liver damage thursday
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
