if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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