he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
