sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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