i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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