Already got asked if we're dating
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Holy sore nipples Batman
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
