I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
