It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
