this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
