Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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