The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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