I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
jump out the window naked night went bad
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
