I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
