the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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