Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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