like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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