so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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