im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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