I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
