No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
