fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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