Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize