12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
