Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
ugly people sure do ruin things
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
