My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
