apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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