kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
There's even glitter on my cock...
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