Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
