found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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