Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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