Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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