Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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