Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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