i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
