I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
