Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
