just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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