The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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