went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
