i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize