update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
