My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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