Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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