You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
