i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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