matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
