oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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