Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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